Rahil

Lone Work and Depression

23 April 2014

Programming, like writing, is a lonely activity, and since traveling, and since becoming a more social person, something I’ve been unable to do since then, unless I happily spend the entire day socializing, several hours in the sunlight, and then remember to finally sit down in a public social area, such as the durbar squares in Nepal or any park in Taipei or late night in the common room at a lively hostel, to do some work while taking in the culture.

Programming can be fun with a studio of really good friends, but even then, it’s likely a studio full of more programmers whom share the same culture — professional, media consuming, internet-heavy, Pitchfork indie music listening, people. They’re not nearly as diverse, interesting, or inspiring as travel.

This has been my bane during my travels. Trying to balance the two. But why have I held onto programming? Why not do something more direct with the people. Am I, at the end, a lone artist? Do I value myself over any other kind of work? Yeah, I think so.

During the time of Humans of Taipei was at the apex of happiness. I loved every moment. That’s something to remember.

Very recently I’ve entered a depression, not unlike my past winter depressions. I’m unable to wake up, I oversleep, I’m not seeking social moments, I’m not seeking or doing anything really, except writing and programming, alone.

What happened? Why did I suddenly give up on the maintenance of my social connections? Why did I fail to continue consuming? Looking at the precise moment, it was a time where I was cleaning my room, starting a programming gig, both solitary activities. It was also getting a little cold too. It also saw more time in my apartment, as opposed to being outside, trying to consume objects (media) instead of life.

Yeahp. The social aspect is missing. And without it, I go into depression. Well, now I do. Before traveling, I was fine without much of a social life, using media to replace life. Now, media isn’t enough. I need to be with people at all times.

Fuck you, programming. Fuck you, apartment. Both burdens have so much weight. Perhaps being a teacher is best.

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